Tatlong Taon Down The Memory Lane

12:20 PM

Blogging is a commitment that I am slowly but surely losing grasp. There were a lot of things to write rant about but I found myself dilly dallying. Now I understand the artists. When they're not in the mood to do something creative, they're really not in the mood. Not that I am even coughing up creative writings. The realization that I am merely doing a chronicle of my daily life out here in Kuwait is not settling well with the writer wannabe in me. On the other hand, not everyone can blog and that's something right? Just say yes. Sheessh.

Permit me to digress.

Since the writer in me is still on retrograde, allow me to quote my 20 year old self on the experience of being here in Kuwait.

"WheW. It's been one whole freaking year since I left pinas. It seems so fast but not really. I remembered the countless call cards and the limitless flow of tears from my first 3 months. The 24/7 online duty on IRC and yahoo, the flood of emails, and the gazillion texts just to ease the loneliness. But I was never regretful. I was nostalgic, homesick, longing for my friends and my siblings, but I never regretted coming here. For I know this place is my salvation. So many things has happened, has changed and so many events from one point to another leads me to what I am now. I'm not claiming that I am much better than last year, nor will I assert that I have come to terms with everything that has happened. I am still the same old jovial spirited mackay that my friends knew, I'm still the austere sister that my siblings was used to, I'm still the same old spiteful arrogant niece of my relatives, I'm still the same old spoiled emotional daughter that my mother raised. But I have changed. I will no longer succumb to depression and self doubt, years in psychology should have taught me that. Though I know and firmly believes that theory is best learned by experience. I will no longer sacrifice my self and my future for what I thought was love, for I have learned to come to terms with compromise and loving thyself first. Some people was astounded by my cynical attitude when it comes to relationship. However, I tell them this, cynicism is beneficial when used right. One can never be too green nor to experienced when it comes to love and commitment. You need a good head on your shoulder and self respect to make it work. Everybody knows it, but people such as I before, tends to forget it. I have loved and was extremely grateful to be loved back. A couple didn't work out, some I chose not to start, and one I'm hoping to be "the one". I could never claim to be an expert when it comes to love or relationship, because nobody ever will, but I could proudly say, I have loved and love the best way I know I can.The callous edge has somehow mellowed. I no longer relish the thought of being rebellious. Oh yes I'm spiteful and can be extremely horrid at times. Nevertheless, I have learned to succumb and accept that when all else fails, my family will always be there for me no matter how stupidly hard I tried to fight and keep them away. They would never be perfect like I would never be. My notion of their flaws and short comings has altered a great deal. They too are people, with real needs, just as I have. Children tends to forget that their parents have their own life to lead, that their siblings are different, that you can never make them what you want them to be. How they interpreted your personality and treat you is a reflection of your actions and attitudes to them. They may never accept what I am and my choices, but they will learn somehow someday to live with it.

Nothing drastic with my attitude has changed, but there is a slight alteration.My first 9 months consists of parties, shopping's, spas, online chatting, yo-yo diets, and vice versa. A revolution of loving, failing, betrayals, letting go of the past and commitments for the future. The last 3 months is work, work and falling in and out of love and falling in love again.I regretted a lot of things, neglecting school, the years I should have spent with my father and siblings instead of lovers and friends, living a life full of angst instead of using it as a tool to success, not doing the best that I and everybody believes I can, personal-social-and educational wise.

But I never and would never regret Kuwait. This is the breather that I yearned for. The mother-daughter bond that I craved. The solitude that I so desired. The day I stepped on the plane towards Manila, I promised a time off for myself. The day I boarded the plane towards Kuwait, I promised a commitment to change what I can and make it better. To grow up but not so much that I'll lose the child in me, again. To accept and be accepted. To love and be loved. To compromise and commit. To be true to oneself. It sounds so simple though they're really not. I needed the thousand miles away just to realize and practice all these.

A year in Kuwait is not enough time to achieve everything what I wanted, but it gave me enough time to decipher what's important and what's not. It gave me the opportunity to think, to learn, to change, to grow, to accept and to love. A year in Kuwait rejuvenates my soul. A soul that is now ready and eager to face and cherish another year of change and becoming a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better woman that I should be.I thank everybody who has become a part of that year and will be a part of all the coming years in my life.After all, I'm still on my formative years. hahahaha!"

Hear! Hear! Says the 23 years old to the 20 years old me.

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